Wednesday, January 15, 2014


What you're about to read might seem stupid and superficial, heads up.
I've been thinking again. Here's a pep talk in the shape of my embarrassing but character building past.

You see, when I started out with Harajuku inspired fashion, I was still a very tiny insecure kid. Saga, 11 years old, biggest dream? Looking like Bou, guitarist of An Cafe. Had just gotten out of a very strange Stockholm syndrome friendship with a horrible person who basically controlled my every move, afraid of everyone and determined to turn things around and delete the past completely. 

You could say I felt as tiny as I was and I wanted nothing but to grow up and leave it all behind. 

I wanted to become someone else entirely. Bou, preferably, I really loved Bou back then, can't put enough emphasis on that part. First kanji I learned was the one he used to write his name and I wrote it on the snow covered windows of every car in my neighborhood when the infamous swedish winter attacked that year. Don't ask why I'm admitting this because I do not know why, nor do I know how to defend myself. 

I would say "don't judge me" but please, go right ahead. I won't judge you for judging me. Herregud.

What am I trying to say here? 
What is this new exotic thing I've been thinking about? 

Okay, it's not really new, must confess I've been trying to write this post for quite some time. What I am trying to say is, recently I realized just how much dressing a bit differently has helped me doing exactly what I dreamed of back when I was, let's be honest, a little pathetic - become someone stronger than myself and just not care, about anything, anymore. 

For starters, a thing I've learned is that telling someone to fuck off is the best feeling in the world. 
The definition of "I don't care" right? 

I've wanted to do it my whole life. But when people started calling me fat and ugly I just went "ok" and let them go on, until I believed them, and started creating fake vomits with ketchup in the sink every morning, so that my parents would think I was sick and allow me to stay home and watch cartoons. 

Fun times.

Snappy comebacks are also just a boost of positive energy. First time I wore my devil horn hairclips, in high school, 50% of all students meowed after me when I walked by. They thought I was a cat, if that wasn't clear. Electronic students I'm sorry, but you were all dropped on the floor when you were babies. Eventually I just got tired of ignoring it, and roared something like: 


It was a very good day. 
But of course, it's not just that. I haven't been able to do that before.

I was only able to show who I was on the outside, in the beginning. I couldn't show off my personality and include my clever comebacks, back then. I started quietly, it helped more than you'd believ.

It's about being able to take the space you want to take, without having to say much. Hence, the title of this post. Taking place without taking place. 

Explanation time, back to the pathetic part of my past. When I raised my hand in class, I immediately started tripping on my own words, my face turned so red people would comment on it, I regretted everything I had ever done in my entire life and wanted to 1. disappear, 2. cry and 3. die 4. apologize for being born. I'm being melodramatic as always but again, I was tiny and pathetic. Might as well just accept it. 

I couldn't stand up for myself as a person, but I could stand up for the way I expressed myself. 
It became some sort of substitute for talking, as well as talking back, if you know what I mean. 

It was hella scary at first, of course, first day of school I had via MSN abruptly told that Stockholm syndrome friend of mine that I didn't want to have anything to do with her, dyed my bangs pink and red and... confession time: drawn the Nyappy thing on my cheek. Why the fuck am I writing this. 

Some kids in school looked a bit like me, although more "svart och svår" = "just very emo but in a clever Swedish way" I noticed, I could still feel people staring and gigglesnorting a bit as I walked by. 

For the first time I was able to think "you know what, this is me, you mean nothing to me, so why should I care about what you think? Why am I so worried all the time?" 

I could get very detailed here, but I won't. 
Junior high was a rollercoaster from that point, I'll leave it at that. I barely spoke to anyone, while my inside feelings grew stronger and I dove head first into my interests, was able to feel proud of them and show them off to the world. Again, without having to say anything. I watched the other swedish j-rockers from a safe distance but still felt like I was part of something, for once, which made me want to keep on going until a senpai noticed me (that unfortunately didn't happen until I met Emilia about three years later. And she noticed my pants, not me. SUPER LOVERS. I owe you). 

Nowadays, I still have many insecurities, but going out feeling pretty in bunny ears and eyepatches, covered in makeup and wearing shoes heavy enough to kill someone, depending on which mood I'm in either smiling politely or flipping people off when they say something stupid, well. It makes me feel very, very good. 

I've learned how to stand up for myself in at least one way, summan av kardemumman. 
"The sum of the cardamom" ← nothing beats swedish sayings. 

Baby steps, all the way, by expressing my inside on the outside, I've found so much strength that I'm now able to stand on a stage and talk about what I love and sit here and preach about it to you guys. When I feel insecure about other things, which I do quite often because I'm only human, it sometimes really help to remind myself that I have a lot to be proud of. Even if, like I said at the very top of this post, it might seem very superficial.

We've all got to find strength somewhere though, am I right?
No place is a bad place if spending some time there helps you grow as a person.

Nowadays, I get daily messages from people I see so much of my old self in, which makes me want to roll around on the floor bleeding out more embarrassingly pompous speeches and life lessons. I'm a very dramatic person. Okay. Another thing I can't help.

That, too, makes me feel stronger. So, to those of you who have written me these messages, I hope me sharing this might give you a friendly kick in the butt.

I'm still a 40% insecure person, but the 60% confident part of myself makes up for it.
I'm talking now, I have been for years. I wouldn't have be able to do that if I had kept listening and adapting to people, not even showing who I was and am, with the help of something as simple as some pink in my hair.

Show who you want to be and eventually you'll be that person, kind of.
Wow I told you I'm a dramatic person, good grief. Every word is true and straight from the heart though.

I still really have to end this before I start regretting writing it (I also told you I'm still insecure in some areas, my dramatic side is a 50-50% deal as well).

Goodnight sweet and maybe not so sweet people, if you've found my blog by accident and think I'm an idiot. In that case, go home, you do not belong here.

To the rest of you, I love you ♡ have a good one until I attack next time. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

1 3 x 1 3 ♡ G O O D B Y E 2 0 1 3

This is a post that will be centered around the year 2013 and the number 13. So, I suppose waiting 13 days to write this would have been much more striking than waiting 14 days. But we can't have everything, can we? Besides, with every hour, the death of 2013 is moving further back in time, so it's not like I can wait another day just because I'm too ashamed I missed posting this yesterday.

Hm. Don't know if that's true or not... Let's pretend it is. (It isn't, I was just lazy).

Enough yapping. 

For starters, the title of this post is (another) big lie. I'm not going to write 13 things from 2013. I'm going to write 3 x 13 things from 2013. So a total of... Something. A lot? Math. 

Don't worry, I'll keep it short. 

What should we start with, then? 
Well, considering I feel like I can call myself a "fashion blogger" despite writing so much non-fashion crap all of the time, I figured the first 13 should be...

1 3 ♡ L O O K S

One per month, one bonus ! Orange and blue and star eyebrows and so on. 

But most importantly, 
the year of the onion wig.

I sold that wig yesterday, it honestly feels like the end of an era. I don't know why. Or, well, I do, but it's not a very legit reason - I just became very attached to that wig and I didn't expect us to ever grow apart. We shared some nice times together. Photoshoot for ROYAL☆RXXER's website (which is not up yet), trips to Amsterdam and detours through Sweden, not to mention the insane amounts of questions and tumblr notes we got, as well as the failed tutorials we tried making. 

Cannot tell you how many times I've almost thrown my MacBook out the window because of that damn wig that never got a stupid tutorial, goddamn it. Stupid wig. 

I will miss it and love it forever of course.

1 3 ♡ S O N G S

13 songs that I've listened to a lot this year, for some reason unknown to me. It's been a very heavy j-rock year for me. Both new and old songs, one at a time, on repeat for weeks. 

I'm not even kidding when I say I listened to the first song on this list, Paradise Paradox, for like 4 weeks straight. 4 ! ! Same with the rest of the songs on this list, to be honest. Paradise Paradox is just the one that started the madness, I guess. 

Click on the songs (and get hypnotized as well) 
if you want to understand what I'm talking about!

I wonder how many hours I've listened to these songs in total this year? 
Too afraid to even think about doing the math.

F U N F A C T: 
Dunderpatrullens album "Fan vad han skrek när vi åt pizza här sist" translates to something like 
"fuck how he screamed when we had pizza here last time"

1 3 ♡ U P S + D O W N S


Because of the tale of the foot I couldn't walk for three thousand years after I got home, I was a whining mess, stranded on the couch feeding my sadness with food and tea. Totally worth it. Got to meet Dana and Naomi, see a beautiful place and smuggle puddings back to Sweden. 

The puddings. 

I could honestly go back for the food alone, wow. Just. Wow. 
We have better chocolate in Sweden, however. Not that that is very interesting to know.



Me and Alex, who had just gotten his driver's license, drove down to Östergötland by ourselves in June. We basically spent four days at my summer house with mayonnaise, bear, sesame oil and eggs in our tin-foiled wrapped hair, hating things and watching Parks & Recreation = the most perfect description of our friendship, ever. 


Me and the people that are now my very closest friends got very lovey-dovey towards each other as 2013 tip-toed through January and February, March, April, and so on. You get the drift. Certainly not a bad thing. I have to contain myself not to embarrass myself by getting too heart-eyed around them. Unless I'm with Alex. He shoots me down and says that he hates me, but I know he loves me somewhere in his black tsundere heart, so I'll keep nagging and pretend like he's saying nice things (which he sometimes actually does). 


I actually don't need much of a caption, strangely enough. We met this summer, she was dolled up in hime gyaru and walked like a gangster down the street, shouting lame Swedish party songs with a ghetto accent. How could I not fall for that? Point is, she makes me happy and I'm obviously happy to love her. Very much so! 


This goes hand in hand with 'FRIENDS' but still, deserves another place in the spotlight. We have some upcoming conventions and events, now, it's been so much fun getting started. Even if we're still a bit all over the place. We'll slå våra kloka huvuden ihop and get organized in no time, yes. 2014 will be good.


It was fun, despite me getting to old for that shit. It was. 
See, I told you I would feel this way after a few months. I'm too predictable. 


For some reason my entire family spent Christmas spoiling me so much I actually felt guilty. Then again I'm swedish, so I'm programmed to feel guilty when someone does something extra nice for me. Anyway. They all know how much I've struggled and they've been there while I've worked my way up a whole mountain of crap. So they just wanted to help me end my year bombarding me with all them feels they could possibly give me. 

I love my family. When I'm rich I'll buy them so much crap, that's a promise.

8. MUSIC ↑

IN PARTICULAR 168-one sixty eight- because since 2010 there has been a HOLE in my heart where Aoi was supposed to be. Let's face it, Aoi from Ayabie, not a good project. 168 on the other hand? Bitch is back. 

Most people reading this will probably be a bit confused and want to abandon this post now but some people will understand me and let me just say that I love you. 

9. MUSIC ↓

Dammit, AYABIE. 


Dammit Amsterdam. Dammit work. 

Seriously? Did you really have to? Oh the weeks I've spent with fifty layers of tape and toilet paper wrapped around different parts of my body. New year's resolution: buy actual bandages.



12. SCHOOL ↓↑

As you probably know, since I write about it a lot, I have been out of school on and off since this time, two years ago. "Mental health" sounds so... I don't know. But it's the reason and it's nothing I can do about it. I hit the wall and I hit it badly, obviously. So, in the beginning of 2013, I made the decision again to leave permanently, and it wasn't fun. 

I spent a few days on my kitchen floor, annoying myself and everyone around me with mixed feelings and angst. That's how it was between January and October. Things got less-kitchen-floor-y after June, but then in August when I felt like I wanted to go back, I started crying the minute I stepped in school and they told me they couldn't help arranging some sort of home studies for me. 

Then, bam, we went to a place where they've collected all choices of high school education, and bam again, within 30 minutes I was signed up for three distance courses that began just last Wednesday. 

No more kitchen floor. 
(That rhymed). 


Oh my god. I spent three weeks scrubbing around 180 stairs, 5 laundry rooms and a serious amounts of toilets, floor to ceiling, step by step, with a very tiny sponge. I don't think I need to say more. 

T H E ♡ E N D

To sum it all up and put a beach at the end of this ocean of text (what am I writing), 2013 was one hell of a rollercoaster. And I must say, I'm happy to leave it behind and move forward. 

Not just because it started off as such a bad year, not just because I haven't felt very well most of the time, but because it ended in such a great way. I have so much to look forward to, now, and I've come very far. Oh, cheesy, but true. "Finally" is the only word I can use to give the whole year a label.

I'm not going to allow myself to get more emotional than this. So, I'll just stop by giving myself some motivation, by labeling this year while it's still starting up: 

Hell yes. This year will be good. 

Let's share it together people ♡ I love you all very much, thank you for sharing 2013 with me and making me happy when I haven't been very happy. Now I'm feeling swedish again. So, just, thank you. Very much. 

P.S. If you've managed to stay with me until now and read this whole thing, I salute you. 

Thursday, January 9, 2014

H e l l o ♡ 2 0 1 4

B L A C K B U N N Y ♡ F L O W E R P I R A T E

Starting this brand new year by fully embracing my inner captain, because why not? 
All manly captains need an eyepatch to match their mighty beards.

Nah, not really. It sounds like I did this on purpose, I wish I did, but I didn't. I'm not clever at all, apparently. I actually didn't think about the fact that eyepatches can be considered pirate-y, until Dana tweeted "aye aye captain iro" and I immediately felt extremely stupid for not connecting the dots myself. I mean, "captain iro" is on at least three of my profiles here in the online world. I even invented it myself. How thick am I ? !

That aside, I wanted to try something new, this is the result, I'm very happy with it. 

I don't have anything useful to say with this post, I'm just in a sharing-mood, since I've felt quite boring and lost in terms of fashion lately. An eyepatch and some lace bunny ears did the trick, apparently. My new best friends! 

I've always wanted to try out wearing an eyepatch, since I've seen it around in both animes and mangas and on j-rockers and streetsnaps and... pretty much everywhere I've looked. It has always seemed like "the dot above the i" in my eyes, and now I know that it actually IS. 

Kind of weird thinking about what counts as fashion these days, huh.
Well, again. I like it. 

Wow I always feel really silly when I write about fashion related things? Which is strange considering I'm kind of a "fashion blogger" I guess? And now I'm writing everything I think. Good going, Saga, good going. Anyway! A lot has happened since last time, I've started studying, for example, but I'll save it for my upcoming post - a lil' tribute to 2013 (yes, lame, but it has to be done, I can't resist the temptation).

For now, let me just say that I have a feeling this year will be quite fabulously fabulous, and I can't wait to share it with y'all. Fighto! We'll do great. 

Happy new year (*´∀`*人*´∀`*)