Monday, March 25, 2013

A "thank you" and a "why I need to thank you"

I feel like I want to write something rather personal and emotional about what happened on yesterday, and what happened after the first thing happened. Here, here and last but not least, here.

I know all of it was completely over the top, and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. Today is a new day. But it was a big deal when it happened and therefore I just need to write this. Going to be completely honest because I'm not afraid to be honest.

Bear with me, it won't take long.

For starters, just let me say thank you to my friends and all of the sweet people who actually sat down and wrote me the nicest things, even though they certainly had no obligation to do so. Thank you. I really can't say how much it meant to me, I actually started to cry even more than before when I read through them. So I hope you know how much I love you, and that I have your back if anything bad ever happens to you.

With that said, I would just like to talk a bit about why I (over)reacted the way I did. I don't care at all about anon hate. I think it's ridiculous and cowardly, not worth any of my time or pain. When someone says I'm ugly or something about the way I dress, I just shrug my shoulders and laugh. You can't like everyone, so whatever. I don't think I'm ugly so they can say what they want. But the one thing I can't handle is when people comment on my body.

Like I wrote, that is the one thing that hurts. My weakest spot.

A relative once said ”wow, you've eaten so much! Are you really hungry already?” which had me crying right in the middle of IKEA - which happens to be my happy place. That's how quickly I snap when it comes to that subject. Yup. Not my proudest moment.

Now, don't get me wrong. My friends can assure you I'm a black food-hole, and it's not like I'm one of those attention-seeking people, you know the ”ew I'm so fat even though my BMI is 18 and oh my god I'm so huge please love me and tell me I'm pretty” kind of people. I really, really am not. I know I'm not extremely fat and I know I'm not ugly. I obviously wouldn't post fashion pictures if I thought of myself as a hideous monster. I'm confident in myself and I'm fine with how I look.

But without clothes (and sometimes with) I am a insecure about my body, and sometimes very insecure, I just prefer to keep that to myself and try to think that I'm wrong. It's how it is. Because we all have insecurities, that are very real, unlike constant public attention-seeking. It's human.

Although, people are ridiculously annoyed when people are actually honest about sometimes feeling bad about themselves. And well, I can see why attentionseeking on the level I described is annoying, because it kind of is, but a little insecurity is – like I sad – human.

I was afraid the long rant I gave in response would be interpreted like I actually was seeking attention.

No, I wasn't. I was just very upset, because it is such a horrible flashback of middle- and highschool bullying, and because I've had the problems I've had. I'm not going to go into detail, because I feel like that's not neccessary. I've been very ill, even though I hid it well and certainly don't look like it, and that's the past that has made me quite sensitive about those subjects. And besides, even without the past I've had, no one would be happy getting those kinds of comments. I spent my day crying and looking in the mirror, going through all my pictures, and behaving like a kid. I'm not proud of it. But that's what internet hate can lead to.

So please keep that in mind, if you ever write something nasty to someone online. The person doesn't only exist online, you know, and you don't know what kind of effect it might have on them.

I'm feeling a lot better today, and again, the people who wrote me has my heart and love. I was expecting hate, because I know how annoyed people are when it comes to people even making the smallest comment on their own looks, but instead I had gotten around 50 messages from people who understood me and tried to cheer me up. It was really overwhelming, it made me so happy.

Anyway, I'll stop writing now before someone misinterprets this as attention seeking as well. I just wanted to make a comment about it since it all was kind of overly dramatic. I'm sorry if anyone thought I was a complete asshole, but I snapped. Like people do sometimes.

Bottom line is I'm human, and I want to say thank you for accepting me for the human I am instead of only accepting that girl on the pictures.

Lots of love ♥


  1. I HATE when someone write you something bad, I know you only online but I found you a super sweet girl, adorable and so damn pretty ♥ When I saw that you are on hospital or sad I feel really sad me too for you T_T I always hope the best for you everytime ♥♥♥

    1. Thank you sweetie! Same goes to you you know, you're a really lovely person ♥

  2. I just wanted to say that I think that I've been through similar problems as you seem to have. Of course I can not know what your problems are but I feel that I can relate to you. And because I am able to relate to someone as amazing and beautiful as you I feel like there might be some hope for me to.

    I followed what happen yesterday through twitter and I got so pissed, if I would have been placed in that situation I would have fallen to pieces.

    You are a stunning and extraordinary human being and you inspire me everyday to try and get better.

    Thank you~

  3. This post looks like it came straight out of my brain. It's crazy. I'm happy to hear you're doing better, and although I understand how hard it can be, always know that you ARE beautiful, even if you can't always see it <3

  4. I am so sorry you had to go through that. ♥ You are such a beautiful girl and I only wish the best for you!

  5. saga, you are absolutely gorgeous, inside and out! I hope no mean anon-bakas attack your :c I love and admire you so much it's not even healthy, haha (but of course in a straight, caring friendly way)
    seriously though, don't let the b*stards get you down!! <3

  6. omg sweetie ;A; I had no idea you had been going through something like this!
    *hug* you are very brave and wonderful, and I think so much about you <3 Please know that you are a beautiful girl... I know exactly how you feel about comments like that, they make everything get 1000 worse even on good days. Stay strong sweetie, I know its hard, but whenever you feel it sucking you in, try to focus on something positive ;3; *hug*

    1. Thank you sweetheart ♥ ugh you really are the nicest person ever, I just want to hug you all the time! I might have overreacted a lot but you're right, those comments can make things 1000 worse. But fighto fighto ; n ;

  7. I hope you get better beaaary soon :3~~
    I guess you are over this shit by now, at least a little, but I really really want and feel the urge to tell you that there is no universe in which you are fat! .-. uhm...I think you are skinny...very fragile and beautiful. I hope I'm not pretentious because I don't know nothing about your issues and you past. I'm just worried and want you to feel good and beloved, because I reaaaaaally adore you *u*.

    By the way I DON'T think you least you gave anon the chance: "get a life OR kill youself". So he das opportunity to become a better person! You just made your point, even said very personal things about you and the end of your response sounded like something Xiaxue would've said- I like that <3
    Ignoring the hate messages is not the right way to handle them I think...A hard punch will do the best work like you said, hehe :3
    (Nevertheless this world and society would be a better place if we..well.. "get rid" of stupid, self hating and mean people like them)

    Mmmmh this was long and is very confused >_< Sorry I somehow lost myself ;v;

    The Last Sentece of you is very smart and touching ♥ I love it!

  8. This is a good post.
    It's good to know that you accept that you are a human with blemishes like every other one after all that you have been through.
    I never experienced something like that and still I have times where I can't accept how I are so I hope I'll be able to stay at the same point some day.

    I maybe can't understand what you have been through but I see the small part of it you revealed now and in my eyes it just makes you a better and more admirable person.
    I love your outfits and you have been a big inspiration for me since the first time I saw your pictures.

    It's easy to say that things like that shouldn't bring you down when they affect you in ways probably no one else understand but I really wish for you that it will stop hurting and that you can live a happy life without people ranting about you for low reasons.

    Lots of thoughts, admiration and love. ♥

  9. I know exactly what your going through. I was always been made fun of my weight at school and even from family members, once i was eating ice cream in my room and my mom comes in and says "if you keep eating that you wont be able to fit through the door" i basically just threw it out and cried. Because of that i hated myself so much. But after years of dealing with it and losing a large amount of weight i still hated myself so i saw a therapist. That really helped i kinda feel ok about myself now. I still hate comment about my weight wether their positive or negative, its really hard to get rid of those awful feelings especially if you've been living with them a long time. But anywayyyy i just wanted to let you know YOUR NOT ALONE!!! I KNOW YOUR FEEEEELSSS!!! haha i hope you start feeling kinda ok about yourself again <33

    1. THANK YOU FOR FEELING WITH ME. Haha. Okay it's nice to hear it from someone else, that's basically what I went through. It ended up quite badly for me but now I'm working on it at least. Let's work together hun! ♥

  10. I don't even understand why people have to flame their hate. If you don't like something, ignore it. Simple as that. I have never understood why people must call names or be violent towards some people just because they don't like their opinions/looks etc.

    I've been overweight for years through my puberty. I always felt bad about it, but I didn't want to change anything and even though I knew I had to lose weight, somehow just the want didn't make me do anything. I've been sort of lucky that no one has ever bullied me about it, mostly only about the fact that I've been sort of a loner - so they just called me weird. And even that only rarely. The only one who ever called me fat was our nurse in primary school, but thank god even then my mom was there and many times told me that really, that nurse was stupid.
    I'm still not as thin as some people are or how society views as "normal beauty", but I'm comfortable. Sometimes I'm actually afraid that I'll stop eating, because the cause for my current weight was that I starved myself. I don't want to be any thinner. Some days I feel bad about some part of my body but then I realize that it would be just stupid. I'm a human.

    I would like to say that you should cheer up but I know that sometimes it isn't that easy... I know that I would be too bit deppressed after any negative comment. So I'll just say that eat so much as you'd like, and don't think yourself inferior because of it. You're still a human and a beautiful person. :)

    1. I agree with you, I don't get why people have to comment on every single thing, especially if it's something hurtful. I'm glad you seem so comfortable in yourself, you should be! You seem like a very nice person. I'm comfortable with myself in many ways, just not my body. But I'll get there!

      Thank you for this nice comment ♥ I hope you're good and that you have less stupid people - like that nurse - around you, and that you're happy!