Life lately

Feels like my life has gone from a constant existential anxiety attack to a completely messed up cloud of happiness and a bright future at the blink of an eye. Not even exaggerating.

Now time for confession hour. To be honest, since last time I thought I was getting back on my feet, once again I haven't been very good for a long time. I just haven't felt like sharing too much online, and I've chosen to always try to focus on the positive instead of the negative. But even so, all of it has really been too much. I've been away from school for over a year, when trying to work out a plan to get back to studying all I've been met with is "sorry, we can't help you if you need home studies, we don't take lazy students" kind of. Well, they didn't actually say lazy, but that's how it felt.

I hate it when people say that, think that. I'm not lazy. In fact quite the opposite. It's just hard to explain with words better than "I have no strength left" and that makes it difficult for people to understand the situation.

Hence why I've chosen not to talk too much about it.

What happened is that I "hit the wall" so to speak. I'm a perfectionist and I always have been. I needed to have the best grades, needed to constantly do great things, make my parents proud, be skinny, be liked, work on my personality, not be so awkward, be better than I could be. I got sick, I got better, I realized just how extremely neurotic I was and how bad it was making me feel, bipolar, realized just how tired I was getting. I just couldn't take it. Then suddenly I found myself unable to get off the bus one morning, and since then it's been a long road back to being able to get off that bus.

I have talked about this before, I know. Writing this to refresh my own memory.

But! Now to the less depressing part; 

Guess who's starting school in January? 

The meetings I've had with my old schools have had me crying and leaving the room within ten minutes, so when we contacted another school, I was expecting the same thing. But me and my wonderfully awkward dad who was trying to support me by telling me "imagine you're stabbing your old bullies and the headmaster, I do that when on the train to work in the morning, makes me feel strong" went in there, and thirty minutes later I had signed up for four classes starting in January.

Swedish B part 1 and 2, Japanese B, Religion. 

Let's fucking do this shit, pardon my rude excitement. 

This is how I feel right now: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

I'm so, so grateful I actually got the oppurtunity to take the time to recover properly and get back on my feet. Let's hope it stays that way. Last year, when I switched to a new school and program for the first time, I was rushing it and taking decisions without being ready for them. It obviously ended badly. But this time, I really think I'm ready. Positive, positive! 

A lot of other exciting things have happened as well, I met my lovely Nellie, ConFusion, finally launhed the project me and my besties have been too busy to get going for way too long, but I'll write more about it later. 

If you want a sneak peek, go say hello to my street style group and ohana: Mahou no monsters. 

I just really wanted to share this before anything else, because the stones that have been lifted off my shoulders were so huge, they're worth a post of their own. So here it is. And I think it's about enough yapping now! 

A cheesy quote to end this post; 

As long as you don't give up completely, it'll all work out and be worth it in the end. 

And here's a look from the other day because I look quite happy and posts are more fun with pictures. And maybe "life lately" makes sense with "well here's how I've looked lately" ?

Goodnight lovely people ♥♪

P.S. I don't have spell-check on this computer so I do apologize for English screw-ups I might have missed in all this spontaneous writing.