Monday, November 4, 2013

Life lately

Feels like my life has gone from a constant existential anxiety attack to a completely messed up cloud of happiness and a bright future at the blink of an eye. Not even exaggerating.

Now time for confession hour. To be honest, since last time I thought I was getting back on my feet, once again I haven't been very good for a long time. I just haven't felt like sharing too much online, and I've chosen to always try to focus on the positive instead of the negative. But even so, all of it has really been too much. I've been away from school for over a year, when trying to work out a plan to get back to studying all I've been met with is "sorry, we can't help you if you need home studies, we don't take lazy students" kind of. Well, they didn't actually say lazy, but that's how it felt.

I hate it when people say that, think that. I'm not lazy. In fact quite the opposite. It's just hard to explain with words better than "I have no strength left" and that makes it difficult for people to understand the situation.

Hence why I've chosen not to talk too much about it.

What happened is that I "hit the wall" so to speak. I'm a perfectionist and I always have been. I needed to have the best grades, needed to constantly do great things, make my parents proud, be skinny, be liked, work on my personality, not be so awkward, be better than I could be. I got sick, I got better, I realized just how extremely neurotic I was and how bad it was making me feel, bipolar, realized just how tired I was getting. I just couldn't take it. Then suddenly I found myself unable to get off the bus one morning, and since then it's been a long road back to being able to get off that bus.

I have talked about this before, I know. Writing this to refresh my own memory.

But! Now to the less depressing part; 
Guess who's starting school in January? 

The meetings I've had with my old schools have had me crying and leaving the room within ten minutes, so when we contacted another school, I was expecting the same thing. But me and my wonderfully awkward dad who was trying to support me by telling me "imagine you're stabbing your old bullies and the headmaster, I do that when on the train to work in the morning, makes me feel strong" went in there, and thirty minutes later I had signed up for four classes starting in January.

Swedish B part 1 and 2, Japanese B, Religion. 
Let's fucking do this shit, pardon my rude excitement. 

This is how I feel right now: (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

I'm so, so grateful I actually got the oppurtunity to take the time to recover properly and get back on my feet. Let's hope it stays that way. Last year, when I switched to a new school and program for the first time, I was rushing it and taking decisions without being ready for them. It obviously ended badly. But this time, I really think I'm ready. Positive, positive! 

A lot of other exciting things have happened as well, I met my lovely Nellie, ConFusion, finally launhed the project me and my besties have been too busy to get going for way too long, but I'll write more about it later. 

If you want a sneak peek, go say hello to my street style group and ohana: Mahou no monsters. 

I just really wanted to share this before anything else, because the stones that have been lifted off my shoulders were so huge, they're worth a post of their own. So here it is. And I think it's about enough yapping now! 

A cheesy quote to end this post; 
As long as you don't give up completely, it'll all work out and be worth it in the end. 

And here's a look from the other day because I look quite happy and posts are more fun with pictures. And maybe "life lately" makes sense with "well here's how I've looked lately" ?

Goodnight lovely people ♥♪

P.S. I don't have spell-check on this computer so I do apologize for English screw-ups I might have missed in all this spontaneous writing. 


  1. Cheer up and fight!! We love U so much <3!
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3!!!
    Love your style! I'll follow Mahou no monsters *^*!
    Kisses beautiful Iro <3

  2. Oh, U look so beautiful! Fantastic shirt. And I love Your eyes :)

  3. Ganbatte ne, Saga~

  4. Keep going! :3
    Love your look & hair. So damn adorable ♥

  5. you look beautiful!
    I also had a lot of downs and ups and I try to believe in 七転び八起き。
    just try to go forward and believe in yourself, okay? ♥

  6. Congratulations Saga!
    And even more important, as I might say so, I send you strength and hope and support via thought {that's so weird and cheesy} so just keep going!
    You can do it... and you can be really, really proud of yourself for being able to go such a big step again. That's great!

    Besides, I can't wait to hear and see more of Mahou no monsters. <3

    1. Thank you so much sweetiepie! I'm really grateful, and I wish you the same ♡ hugs!

  7. I'm happy for you :D Wishing you the best of luck at school :D <3

  8. I'm happy for you :) I had probles similar o these and its great when something FINALLY works out!!
    good luck at school!! <3

  9. Everything is getting better, just relax! ^^

  10. You are sooo pretty <3 Good luck I hope everything works out :D

  11. I had this kind of problem... I tried to be perfect for the other, because seeing my family smile was the only thing I wanted. Succeed at school, earn a lot of money and have a good boyfriend was "my" goals.
    But one day, I realized that everybody used me. I wake up my mind, go to house and throw everything I dislike. My clothes, decoration, even people ahah. I took my phone and sent text to every people I want to separate with. I made a "kind of mistake" which bring me 2 months to hospital. When I came out, I realized that I had my own life in my hand. And I wasn't born for the pleasure of the others. I have some moment which I think too much and can't understand what I really want. But I always remember that I have all my time to be myself and discover which way I want to choose. My mum wanted that I go to army, I said no and I'm at uni studying for my pleasure. Family wanted to me to be wonderful women, as elegant, etc... I said no and choose my own clothes, make-up, wig, etc... Don't forget in those moment when you feel bad that you are you and this is your life in your hands. Be proud of what you are. You are not born for the pleasure of the others :) ( Sorry, it was too long and kind of boring ^^"... )

    1. Not boring at all! You're really wise. I'm glad things are looking better for you dear. Let's make the future bright together, ok.

  12. Man kan inte hjälpa att man älskar dig <3 Du verkar som en helt underbar människa~
    I vilket fall som helst... att gå in i väggen är supersvårt och något som egentligen skulle behöva uppmärksammas mer. Folk som har förmågan att bry sig mycket (rent av för mycket) är i en extrem riskzon för det.
    Det enda du kan göra är att bearbeta allt i din egna takt, och känner du att folk på ngt sätt försöker istället få dig till lat så får du förklara så gott det går hur du känner.

    Du är en fenomenal människa! Don't forget that~

    1. Men gud vad fin du är! Tack så mycket för de visa orden. Du verkar helt fenomenal du med, om jag ska dela mitt första intryck ♡