Wednesday, January 15, 2014


What you're about to read might seem stupid and superficial, heads up.
I've been thinking again. Here's a pep talk in the shape of my embarrassing but character building past.

You see, when I started out with Harajuku inspired fashion, I was still a very tiny insecure kid. Saga, 11 years old, biggest dream? Looking like Bou, guitarist of An Cafe. Had just gotten out of a very strange Stockholm syndrome friendship with a horrible person who basically controlled my every move, afraid of everyone and determined to turn things around and delete the past completely. 

You could say I felt as tiny as I was and I wanted nothing but to grow up and leave it all behind. 

I wanted to become someone else entirely. Bou, preferably, I really loved Bou back then, can't put enough emphasis on that part. First kanji I learned was the one he used to write his name and I wrote it on the snow covered windows of every car in my neighborhood when the infamous swedish winter attacked that year. Don't ask why I'm admitting this because I do not know why, nor do I know how to defend myself. 

I would say "don't judge me" but please, go right ahead. I won't judge you for judging me. Herregud.

What am I trying to say here? 
What is this new exotic thing I've been thinking about? 

Okay, it's not really new, must confess I've been trying to write this post for quite some time. What I am trying to say is, recently I realized just how much dressing a bit differently has helped me doing exactly what I dreamed of back when I was, let's be honest, a little pathetic - become someone stronger than myself and just not care, about anything, anymore. 

For starters, a thing I've learned is that telling someone to fuck off is the best feeling in the world. 
The definition of "I don't care" right? 

I've wanted to do it my whole life. But when people started calling me fat and ugly I just went "ok" and let them go on, until I believed them, and started creating fake vomits with ketchup in the sink every morning, so that my parents would think I was sick and allow me to stay home and watch cartoons. 

Fun times.

Snappy comebacks are also just a boost of positive energy. First time I wore my devil horn hairclips, in high school, 50% of all students meowed after me when I walked by. They thought I was a cat, if that wasn't clear. Electronic students I'm sorry, but you were all dropped on the floor when you were babies. Eventually I just got tired of ignoring it, and roared something like: 


It was a very good day. 
But of course, it's not just that. I haven't been able to do that before.

I was only able to show who I was on the outside, in the beginning. I couldn't show off my personality and include my clever comebacks, back then. I started quietly, it helped more than you'd believ.

It's about being able to take the space you want to take, without having to say much. Hence, the title of this post. Taking place without taking place. 

Explanation time, back to the pathetic part of my past. When I raised my hand in class, I immediately started tripping on my own words, my face turned so red people would comment on it, I regretted everything I had ever done in my entire life and wanted to 1. disappear, 2. cry and 3. die 4. apologize for being born. I'm being melodramatic as always but again, I was tiny and pathetic. Might as well just accept it. 

I couldn't stand up for myself as a person, but I could stand up for the way I expressed myself. 
It became some sort of substitute for talking, as well as talking back, if you know what I mean. 

It was hella scary at first, of course, first day of school I had via MSN abruptly told that Stockholm syndrome friend of mine that I didn't want to have anything to do with her, dyed my bangs pink and red and... confession time: drawn the Nyappy thing on my cheek. Why the fuck am I writing this. 

Some kids in school looked a bit like me, although more "svart och svår" = "just very emo but in a clever Swedish way" I noticed, I could still feel people staring and gigglesnorting a bit as I walked by. 

For the first time I was able to think "you know what, this is me, you mean nothing to me, so why should I care about what you think? Why am I so worried all the time?" 

I could get very detailed here, but I won't. 
Junior high was a rollercoaster from that point, I'll leave it at that. I barely spoke to anyone, while my inside feelings grew stronger and I dove head first into my interests, was able to feel proud of them and show them off to the world. Again, without having to say anything. I watched the other swedish j-rockers from a safe distance but still felt like I was part of something, for once, which made me want to keep on going until a senpai noticed me (that unfortunately didn't happen until I met Emilia about three years later. And she noticed my pants, not me. SUPER LOVERS. I owe you). 

Nowadays, I still have many insecurities, but going out feeling pretty in bunny ears and eyepatches, covered in makeup and wearing shoes heavy enough to kill someone, depending on which mood I'm in either smiling politely or flipping people off when they say something stupid, well. It makes me feel very, very good. 

I've learned how to stand up for myself in at least one way, summan av kardemumman. 
"The sum of the cardamom" ← nothing beats swedish sayings. 

Baby steps, all the way, by expressing my inside on the outside, I've found so much strength that I'm now able to stand on a stage and talk about what I love and sit here and preach about it to you guys. When I feel insecure about other things, which I do quite often because I'm only human, it sometimes really help to remind myself that I have a lot to be proud of. Even if, like I said at the very top of this post, it might seem very superficial.

We've all got to find strength somewhere though, am I right?
No place is a bad place if spending some time there helps you grow as a person.

Nowadays, I get daily messages from people I see so much of my old self in, which makes me want to roll around on the floor bleeding out more embarrassingly pompous speeches and life lessons. I'm a very dramatic person. Okay. Another thing I can't help.

That, too, makes me feel stronger. So, to those of you who have written me these messages, I hope me sharing this might give you a friendly kick in the butt.

I'm still a 40% insecure person, but the 60% confident part of myself makes up for it.
I'm talking now, I have been for years. I wouldn't have be able to do that if I had kept listening and adapting to people, not even showing who I was and am, with the help of something as simple as some pink in my hair.

Show who you want to be and eventually you'll be that person, kind of.
Wow I told you I'm a dramatic person, good grief. Every word is true and straight from the heart though.

I still really have to end this before I start regretting writing it (I also told you I'm still insecure in some areas, my dramatic side is a 50-50% deal as well).

Goodnight sweet and maybe not so sweet people, if you've found my blog by accident and think I'm an idiot. In that case, go home, you do not belong here.

To the rest of you, I love you ♡ have a good one until I attack next time. 


  1. I loved what you wrote here. Ironically, I found this after I stopped writing my own blog post about finding my own individuality through my past. Even though I wasn't the strongest person in the past by any means, I'm finding more strength in the past than in my present world. I think it's because we have this pressure to fit in, so when you don't fit the standards you'll look outside yourself for answers. For me, this was a way of life, but in finding all the old shit that I hoarded for so long I found a strength that who I am in my "adult" life is completely fine. I don't have to change who I am because of someone else’s idea of what an adult or successful person should be or behave.

    All the things I tried to be, do and embody because I felt that I lacked personality was only hurting me at the end. But in finding the old pictures, letters and just old ass shit that was stored away, the personally I was born into is completely fine. I don’t have to change myself to be myself or successful in life. At the same time the growth that did take place all those years helped me stay strong no matter who says what. So reading this was a good sign that I’m going in the right direction throwing caution in the wind. It’s no one’s business who I am or should become, that’s my job so let me do it…

    Again great blog post, I really enjoyed reading your story and experience! Take care! :D

    Oh, and I don’t think what you posted was superficial in anyway; we all have to find what makes us feel strong because it won’t be the same for everyone! ;) Sometimes its clothes, sometimes it’s in creative expression, a certain activity, a state of being or whatever the case. Whatever works for the person that creates a positive outcome for them, they should do it! :D

    1. The words you used in the beginning of your comment were way better than any of the words I managed to bring together here, haha!

      It's so great to share stories of your past with people who have been through similar experiences. It makes it all seem a bit... I want to say ironic, not sure if that's the right word. What I'm trying to say is that you're a kid and you feel like the loneliest person on earth, all left out and sad and weak, but really it's quite the opposite. There are thousands in the same situation (sadly) and in the end our hardships just might be what makes us all way stronger and surrounded by true friends than the ones we used to view as "the normal, popular ones" I guess.

      Ahhh now I'm writing a whole lot. Anyway. Thank you for sharing your story, and reading, and commenting, and all that!

  2. You're really good with words, iro.
    I've been in quite the same situation except that I was one of the kids that tried to be "svart och svår" and in the beginning I failed brutally, but still it made me who I am and I managed to develop a better style the older I got. Also, when I was in 9th grade it was great watching some kids in 7th grade (or even lower than that) starting to dye their bangs and wear checkered pants, looking at me and my best friend in a shy way, as if they were thinking of us as some kind of senpais. When we were in 7th grade we didn't have any senpai at all, just coola hårdrockare that wasn't... really the same thing. When I think about it now hundred years later I can laugh at how ugly I was, but still I'm proud that I somehow dared to stand out even though our school was famous for bullying.

    WOOP I didn't plan at writing a comment as long as this, forgive me ;-;
    What I wanted to say, though, is thank you for writing this, and thank you for being awesome. Goodnight.

    1. Your comment put a really big smile on my face, thank you ♡ I always feel way too high and mighty when I write these types of posts, but I do think a lot and write a lot about things in this area, and when I do get the courage to post something of it, it of course means a lot to me getting such nice and positive feedback.

      I've been a bit "svart och svår" as well, so I can completely see myself in your comment as well! Just like you could with my post, I guess? I'm proud of you! Takes guts to do that, especially if it's in a school famous for bullying. It's nice to hear from people who has gone from 0 to senpai, like this.

      Ahh no need to ask for forgiveness, again, I appreciate your comment a lot! You be awesome too dude. Goodnight!

  3. Alltså jag blir så jävla glad av att läsa det här, du är så fantastisk och stark och häftig som ändå tog det där steget och hade dina horn! Och speciellt när du sa åt din manipulerande "vän" att du inte vill ha något med henne att göra. Så jävla starkt. Börjar nästan gråta. Det är ungefär det som händer mig just nu så jag känner igen mig väldigt mycket.
    Saga första gången jag träffade dig blev jag helt imponerad för du är så himla ball och kör ditt race. Helt otroligt hur man växer som person, och att livet faktiskt blir bättre. Och att ingen är perfekt men att göra något åt de mindre bra sidorna i sig själv är det perfektaste man kan göra och ahh jag blir så rörd och tack för att du skrev allt det här och an cafe ändrade tydligen grymt mångas liv här i sverige (inklusive mitt)
    Du äger jao!

  4. I actually read your post some days ago already but didn't know how to comment...

    It's just.. that I feel such a great amount of respect and pride towards you for all these personal achievements you had and all that you've gone through and how you just keep getting better and stronger and I think this is truly beautiful to see.

    After reading your post over again I realized that we actually had some situations, similar in our lifes.
    I, too, had a friendship that had stockholm syndrome features (too much for a healthy relationship whatsoever) when I was 14 years old... it took me a bit longer to 'free' myself from it though.
    But I remember how good it was for me and I - too was so immensely inspired by An Cafe (and then JROCK and Visual Kei in general). It just feels like this was what I always looked for before I found them. Before they inspired me and changed so many things in my life to the better...
    I don't even know how to put it but realizing these similarities made me feel really good... and kind of 'less alone' (?) .... at least while looking back at these checkpoints in my past.
    Yeha. don't even know where I'm going with this comment anymore. Oh boy x_x

    All in all I just feel like saying Thank You, to you.
    For like... just being everything you are. And for not giving up. For always going on, for keeping it up... and for just being the beautiful person you are. ♡

    1. Even though you didn't know where you were going with this comment I think you went down a very good and sensible road with it, so don't worry dear ♡ it's amazing how talking about things and hearing from others can make you feel so surrounded by friends and not lonely at all. It's a real relief! Even if it's of course terrible to hear you had to go through similar things.

      Anyway, thank you right back! You're always so sweet ♡

  5. Thank you so much for writing this...I'm going through a difficult time and you're always very inspiring. <3

  6. It's so hard finding yourself, finding a way to be happy WITH yourself, all through primary school I was constantly bullied, my home life was in pieces thanks to my parents; you learn to live with these things, you want change but it's completely out of your control, then when i finally entered secondary school I made some great friends and and got crap from people only occasionally but still insecure.
    But it's when you find something that you can relate to, that you want to be, it's great Irodohieru that you found your something, that it gives you creativity and a confidence even if it's in the most smallest way, for me it was rock music, adopting that "fuck you!" attitude, and when I realized that these school people - who I will never see again after these school years - mean nothing ARE nothing, that's when it flipped round.
    We're all going to have out insecurities through our widdle lives, but at least we can all come together here, share ourselves and support each other :D That was a great post btw! Keep going ggguuurrrrlll! xx