TAKING PLACE WITHOUT TAKING PLACE

What you're about to read might seem stupid and superficial, heads up.

I've been thinking again. Here's a pep talk in the shape of my embarrassing but character building past.

You see, when I started out with Harajuku inspired fashion, I was still a very tiny insecure kid. Saga, 11 years old, biggest dream? Looking like Bou, guitarist of An Cafe. Had just gotten out of a very strange Stockholm syndrome friendship with a horrible person who basically controlled my every move, afraid of everyone and determined to turn things around and delete the past completely. 

You could say I felt as tiny as I was and I wanted nothing but to grow up and leave it all behind. 

I wanted to become someone else entirely. Bou, preferably, I really loved Bou back then, can't put enough emphasis on that part. First kanji I learned was the one he used to write his name and I wrote it on the snow covered windows of every car in my neighborhood when the infamous swedish winter attacked that year. Don't ask why I'm admitting this because I do not know why, nor do I know how to defend myself. 

I would say "don't judge me" but please, go right ahead. I won't judge you for judging me. Herregud.

What am I trying to say here? 

What is this new exotic thing I've been thinking about? 

Okay, it's not really new, must confess I've been trying to write this post for quite some time. What I am trying to say is, recently I realized just how much dressing a bit differently has helped me doing exactly what I dreamed of back when I was, let's be honest, a little pathetic - become someone stronger than myself and just not care, about anything, anymore. 

For starters, a thing I've learned is that telling someone to fuck off is the best feeling in the world. 

The definition of "I don't care" right? 

I've wanted to do it my whole life. But when people started calling me fat and ugly I just went "ok" and let them go on, until I believed them, and started creating fake vomits with ketchup in the sink every morning, so that my parents would think I was sick and allow me to stay home and watch cartoons. 

Fun times.

Snappy comebacks are also just a boost of positive energy. First time I wore my devil horn hairclips, in high school, 50% of all students meowed after me when I walked by. They thought I was a cat, if that wasn't clear. Electronic students I'm sorry, but you were all dropped on the floor when you were babies. Eventually I just got tired of ignoring it, and roared something like: 

"I'M SATAN, YOU MORON, HOW FUCKING BLIND ARE YOU?" 

It was a very good day. 

But of course, it's not just that. I haven't been able to do that before.

I was only able to show who I was on the outside, in the beginning. I couldn't show off my personality and include my clever comebacks, back then. I started quietly, it helped more than you'd believ.

It's about being able to take the space you want to take, without having to say much. Hence, the title of this post. Taking place without taking place. 

Explanation time, back to the pathetic part of my past. When I raised my hand in class, I immediately started tripping on my own words, my face turned so red people would comment on it, I regretted everything I had ever done in my entire life and wanted to 1. disappear, 2. cry and 3. die 4. apologize for being born. I'm being melodramatic as always but again, I was tiny and pathetic. Might as well just accept it. 

I couldn't stand up for myself as a person, but I could stand up for the way I expressed myself. 

It became some sort of substitute for talking, as well as talking back, if you know what I mean. 

It was hella scary at first, of course, first day of school I had via MSN abruptly told that Stockholm syndrome friend of mine that I didn't want to have anything to do with her, dyed my bangs pink and red and... confession time: drawn the Nyappy thing on my cheek. Why the fuck am I writing this. 

Some kids in school looked a bit like me, although more "svart och svår" = "just very emo but in a clever Swedish way" I noticed, I could still feel people staring and gigglesnorting a bit as I walked by. 

For the first time I was able to think "you know what, this is me, you mean nothing to me, so why should I care about what you think? Why am I so worried all the time?" 

I could get very detailed here, but I won't. 

Junior high was a rollercoaster from that point, I'll leave it at that. I barely spoke to anyone, while my inside feelings grew stronger and I dove head first into my interests, was able to feel proud of them and show them off to the world. Again, without having to say anything. I watched the other swedish j-rockers from a safe distance but still felt like I was part of something, for once, which made me want to keep on going until a senpai noticed me (that unfortunately didn't happen until I met Emilia about three years later. And she noticed my pants, not me. SUPER LOVERS. I owe you). 

Nowadays, I still have many insecurities, but going out feeling pretty in bunny ears and eyepatches, covered in makeup and wearing shoes heavy enough to kill someone, depending on which mood I'm in either smiling politely or flipping people off when they say something stupid, well. It makes me feel very, very good. 

I've learned how to stand up for myself in at least one way, summan av kardemumman. 

"The sum of the cardamom" ← nothing beats swedish sayings. 

Baby steps, all the way, by expressing my inside on the outside, I've found so much strength that I'm now able to stand on a stage and talk about what I love and sit here and preach about it to you guys. When I feel insecure about other things, which I do quite often because I'm only human, it sometimes really help to remind myself that I have a lot to be proud of. Even if, like I said at the very top of this post, it might seem very superficial.

We've all got to find strength somewhere though, am I right?
No place is a bad place if spending some time there helps you grow as a person.

Nowadays, I get daily messages from people I see so much of my old self in, which makes me want to roll around on the floor bleeding out more embarrassingly pompous speeches and life lessons. I'm a very dramatic person. Okay. Another thing I can't help.

That, too, makes me feel stronger. So, to those of you who have written me these messages, I hope me sharing this might give you a friendly kick in the butt.

I'm still a 40% insecure person, but the 60% confident part of myself makes up for it.
I'm talking now, I have been for years. I wouldn't have be able to do that if I had kept listening and adapting to people, not even showing who I was and am, with the help of something as simple as some pink in my hair.

Show who you want to be and eventually you'll be that person, kind of.
Wow I told you I'm a dramatic person, good grief. Every word is true and straight from the heart though.

I still really have to end this before I start regretting writing it (I also told you I'm still insecure in some areas, my dramatic side is a 50-50% deal as well).

Goodnight sweet and maybe not so sweet people, if you've found my blog by accident and think I'm an idiot. In that case, go home, you do not belong here.

To the rest of you, I love you ♡ have a good one until I attack next time.